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When you screw up and wish for simpler times.


Man Claims Affirmative Action Benefits Upon Learning Half His Ancestors Were Women

After extensive genetic testing and research on his family tree, a man discovered that half his ancestors were women.

“This really changes things, I never realized that my great grandmother had so many ties to being a woman. I knew my mother was a woman but I was surprised how deep womanhood goes in my family history. To think this whole time that my great grandmother, hell probably my great-great grandmother, had all been women.”

The man even got a genetic test to see how close he was to being a woman.

“I decided to get my DNA tested, to see how closely related to women I truly am. And the results were shocking. Turns out I have an X chromosome, which makes me about 50% woman. I don’t know how I never realized this, there were so many indications. It feels good to finally be a part of a culture, a community. Also, I can officially claim womanhood on my college applications.”

The man feels that due to these revelations, it really brings him a new understanding of the struggles of women throughout history.

“As a man who is 50% woman, I really understand the struggles that they have endured. The pay inequality, the difficulty being taken seriously in the business world, the constant obsessing over appearance, and of course the lady part problems.”

Dennis Rodman Saves U.S. Prisoner from T-Shirt Cannon Misfire at North Korean Arena-Recording His First Diplomatic Rebound

Dennis Rodman is set to complete his (now annual) diplomatic trip to North Korea. Rodman met with North Korean leader Kim Jung Un at the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea White Rice Arena for a basketball demonstration (brought to you by delicious White Rice!tm, hungry and need to survive, try delicious White Rice!tm). During the demonstration he had the opportunity to rescue an American prisoner from potential disaster.

During the half time show a U.S. prisoner was to be loaded into an oversized T-shirt cannon and shot at the basketball rim. This was to be done to be a show of force, return the prisoner, and to test the nations projectile capabilities (North Korean efficiency at its finest).  The cannon misfired as it is normally calibrated to fire Delicious White Rice! The prisoner was going to miss the safe landing zone (a large tub of Delicious White Rice!). At this point, U.S. diplomat Dennis Rodman skied to the rim and recovered the prisoner in his first recorded rebound since his retirement from the Brighton Bears of the British Basketball League.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson addressed the new foreign negotiating strategy.

“We have been trying to figure out how to reach the North Koreans. We have tried to get them to come to the negotiating table with aid and sanctions, but we have a new strategy to get concessions. We are going to do what we should have been doing the entire time, sending members of the 1998 Bulls to negotiate the release of prisoners and other important agreements.”

With the discovery of a new negotiating tool, it begs the question of if a nuclear deal could be around the corner if more lucrative exchanges were offered, for instance, if Michael Jordan was sent.

“Sending Michael Jordan could actually create a massive international incident, and even nuclear war. We have been telling the North Koreans that Dennis Rodman was in fact Michael Jordan. Mr. Jordan was unavailable, and doesn’t have the same cool headed negotiating ability or international experience as Mr. Rodman. The thing with North Korea is that there haven’t been any black people there since the Korean War, and even those were observed at a distance. So we have been sending Mr. Rodman undercover as Mr. Jordan, and we have been getting good results. We could potentially get better concessions if we sent a package deal. Perhaps if we sent Pippin, Kerr, and Jordan (undercover as Dennis Rodman).

The rice cannon calibrator was executed after given a fair trial by torture.

Trump Trip Marks First Time a President Has Sought Forgiveness from God Using All Three Monotheistic Religions

Trump, who always hedges his bets, has decided to seek forgiveness from all the major western religions.

“I have faith, that I can guarantee a tremendous amount of forgiveness from the all-tremendous, all wise-guy, all-wealthy, God,” Trump said.

Trump’s change of heart regarding the importance of religion in his personal life came when he was told of a passage in the bible that explains that he was made in God’s image.

“Nothing proves the truth of faith more than the discovery that God looks and acts just like me, I mean why not, he is great, this God guy, just like me,” Trump said.

“We are honestly very surprised that the president has any feelings of wrongdoing whatsoever, this certainly marks a turning point in his presidency and in his life,” the pope said in an official statement.

The pope will be clearing his whole weekend for a marathon confessional to try and forgive all of Trumps sins.

“I was thinking we would start with gluttony, work our way to pride, and then focus a bit on some of the coveting issues he has had… then there is this whole thing with the divorces,” the pope said, exasperated.

Donald Trump is expected to be assigned a six-figure Hail Mary prayer obligation, which he intends to contract out to Mexican day laborers.

Clinton Emerges to Reveal Really Real Reason for her Loss; a Nationwide Attempt to set the Record for Pooch Screwing

Hillary Clinton, after months of silence, revealed the true reason for her loss. She didn’t cite the Comey letter. The real reason for Clinton’s loss was that the Democratic party had made an institutional effort to organize the largest multi-state pooch screw in U.S. history.

“The truth is, we were having conversations with the Guinness Book of World Records for weeks about the attempt to break the record. The previous record holder for pooch screws had belonged to George W. Bush in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. But we felt like we had a real shot this year.”

Trump Signals He is Taking Mid-East Situation More Syriaously by Dropping MOAP (Mother of all Puns)

Trump sat down for an interview in the middle of the east wing of the White House for dinner and an interview to discuss the situation in the Middle East and the role he envisions for the United States and his decision to unleash the MOAP (Mother of all Puns).

“I thought it would be nice to sit down and explain what has been happening in the Mid-East while I eat Medina. I have always had the best puns, I am the Jordan of Middle Eastern puns so I thought it was time to unleash the MOAP. It’s easy for people Tikrit-cize my decision to use the MOAP, past presidents would not dare unleash this kind of weapon because they were Euphrate-cats. But we can no longer Kuwait around and let a whole nation kabsa-ize so we will  Ramadi the situation” Trump said while eating a cheese Kurd.

What role did Steve Bannon have in your recent decision making processes?

“Steve has not had much of a role lately. He Suez he is still on the inner circle but really he has been brown-nosing to get on my good side, it has been very annoying. He is a damn ass kiss. We will soon be saying Sinai-ara to Mr. Bannon.”

Does your aggressive use of the MOAP indicate that you are not worried about how the people of the middle east might be injured by these puns?

“No, that is simply untrue. People like to simplify my message as if all I do is say ‘Islamabad.’ But my message has also been ‘Obamabad.’ I have always treated the worshippers of Muhammad with the tremendous dignity and respect. I promise not to Mecca a mess of the situation.”

Ex-Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Files to Run for President in Next Election Because the World is More Welcoming to Anti-Semitism.

Ahmadinejad surprised the political world and received the blessing of Ayatollah Khomeini when he announced that he would seek the office of President in the next presidential election.

“I believe that the world has become a more welcoming place for my views. Holocaust denial, and anti-Semitism are more popular than they have ever been, since 1944 anyway. And I hope to take advantage of that opportunity”

When asked if he thought the people of Iran would respond positively to such a message, Ahmadinejad responded saying

“Iran? I am running in America”

Ridley Scott Sues CSPAN for Plagiarizing the Plot for “The Man In The High Castle” in New Scripted Show “Presidency” Staring Donald Trump

Ridley Scott; critically acclaimed director of Alien, Gladiator, Black Hawk Down and producer of Amazon Prime TV series, The Man In The High Castle recently filed a plagiarism suit against Donald Trump and C-SPAN. This new scripted programming on C-SPAN starring Donald Trump plagiarizes The Man in The High Castle. “We have had to suspend production on the next 2 seasons of the show because this C-SPAN show has stolen all our plot lines,” He explained.

Betsy Devos Declares “Cubit” As New Unit of Measurement in Effort to Bring the Bible into Public Schools

Betsy Devos, in a push to put the Bible at the forefront of public education, has declared the cubit to be the standard unit of distance in the United States.

“We wanted to shed the last vestige of British oppression by leaving the arbitrary English standard system of measurement. We thought it would be better to pick a system that was based solidly on biblical principles. What could be more biblical than the unit of measurement that Noah used to build the ark? Not unlike feet, yards, and football fields, the biblical system has multiple units. One hundred and thirty cubits make an Ark, and 66 to 81 Arks make a Bible.” (there are 66-81 books in the Bible depending on denomination)

The Bible centered system will need new textbooks to educate students, which is why the biblical book of “Numbers” is now an approved math textbook.

“Math education is failing students; the average student today only knows about 10 different digits. It is time to get back to fundamentalisms. What could be more fundamentalist than students learning how to count ancient Hebrew tribes. “Numbers” will help students reach much higher numbers than 10, perhaps as high as 400, maybe even 1000. It is the way God intended us to learn math.”

The math curriculum will be changing through the elimination of programs as well.

“We had to cut algebra because it came from a nation that is part of the immigration ban. The main complaint was regarding variables (X, Y, and Z) because of their ambiguous identity. It just wasn’t appropriate having X’s and Y’s parading around like regular numbers. Students felt confused by them, and didn’t know where to place them. Parents had a lot of issues trying to explain variables to their children. Ultimately it was dangerous allowing variables with concealed identities into the United States and it was better to just send all the algebra back to Baghdad.”

Perhaps Devos’ greatest cost saving measure is the combination of physical education and the student disciplinary office.

“Dodgeball will be a mandatory in-class sport. Teachers will be keeping track of a students’ sins. At the end of each period the class ‘Judas’ (the most grievous sinner) will be brought to the front of the class. Their classmates will then throw dodgeballs at them yelling ‘Christ-killer’ until the student begs for forgiveness.”

The new biblical policies would also take into consideration LGBTQ students.

“The Bible is very clear on the matter. We must treat their sins as seriously as others, such as eating shellfish or wearing clothing made from multiple materials. Gay students will just have to take dodgeballs to the face until they decide not to like wiener.”

Betsy Devos was reassuring regarding the direction of the administration, explaining that these reforms were controversial, not hateful. In regards to the increase in anti-Jewish hate crimes since the election of Donald Trump, Betsy Devos had this to say:

“Would an administration that is as dedicated as we are to properly grouping and numbering Jews be involved in anti-Semitism? There is no precedent for that in my history book.”