Betsy Devos Declares “Cubit” As New Unit of Measurement in Effort to Bring the Bible into Public Schools

Betsy Devos, in a push to put the Bible at the forefront of public education, has declared the cubit to be the standard unit of distance in the United States.

“We wanted to shed the last vestige of British oppression by leaving the arbitrary English standard system of measurement. We thought it would be better to pick a system that was based solidly on biblical principles. What could be more biblical than the unit of measurement that Noah used to build the ark? Not unlike feet, yards, and football fields, the biblical system has multiple units. One hundred and thirty cubits make an Ark, and 66 to 81 Arks make a Bible.” (there are 66-81 books in the Bible depending on denomination)

The Bible centered system will need new textbooks to educate students, which is why the biblical book of “Numbers” is now an approved math textbook.

“Math education is failing students; the average student today only knows about 10 different digits. It is time to get back to fundamentalisms. What could be more fundamentalist than students learning how to count ancient Hebrew tribes. “Numbers” will help students reach much higher numbers than 10, perhaps as high as 400, maybe even 1000. It is the way God intended us to learn math.”

The math curriculum will be changing through the elimination of programs as well.

“We had to cut algebra because it came from a nation that is part of the immigration ban. The main complaint was regarding variables (X, Y, and Z) because of their ambiguous identity. It just wasn’t appropriate having X’s and Y’s parading around like regular numbers. Students felt confused by them, and didn’t know where to place them. Parents had a lot of issues trying to explain variables to their children. Ultimately it was dangerous allowing variables with concealed identities into the United States and it was better to just send all the algebra back to Baghdad.”

Perhaps Devos’ greatest cost saving measure is the combination of physical education and the student disciplinary office.

“Dodgeball will be a mandatory in-class sport. Teachers will be keeping track of a students’ sins. At the end of each period the class ‘Judas’ (the most grievous sinner) will be brought to the front of the class. Their classmates will then throw dodgeballs at them yelling ‘Christ-killer’ until the student begs for forgiveness.”

The new biblical policies would also take into consideration LGBTQ students.

“The Bible is very clear on the matter. We must treat their sins as seriously as others, such as eating shellfish or wearing clothing made from multiple materials. Gay students will just have to take dodgeballs to the face until they decide not to like wiener.”

Betsy Devos was reassuring regarding the direction of the administration, explaining that these reforms were controversial, not hateful. In regards to the increase in anti-Jewish hate crimes since the election of Donald Trump, Betsy Devos had this to say:

“Would an administration that is as dedicated as we are to properly grouping and numbering Jews be involved in anti-Semitism? There is no precedent for that in my history book.”

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