What follows is a livestream report of President Trump’s press conference on Sunday January 29th 2017 a week before the Super Bowl.
3:00pm President Trump will address what he calls “alarming developments” across the nation regarding gang activity from Atlanta. President Trump has noticed a large increase in twitter activity regarding this group.
3:02 pm Reporters have sat down and now await the president’s speech.
3:05 pm The president enters to thunderous applause from the audience plants.
“The FBI has been watching an Atlanta based gang that has been growing bigly. They have had tremendous success in cities around the USA. These thugs tried this last year in late September and early October, they failed. This is the first major growth effort by the group since January of 1999.”
3:10pm Trump refers to the Atlanta Falcons football team in what appears to be an attempt to lighten the mood with some humor. People are laughing, or staring at one another.
“A special operating force has done some tremendous undercover work wearing the gang colors of white and black. They have been keeping a list of the crimes committed by these thugs and it is a huge list, believe me. Here are just a few of their crimes.”
3:15pm President Trump looks down at the list, squints, and turns to Sean Spicer and whispering something about “spell checkers.” It is clear that Trump is unknowingly presenting a domestic security agenda to protect the United States from the Atlanta Falcons. (President Trump continues speaking to the room)
“They have been roughing passers/by. This hate crime usually targets white men between the ages of 23 and 35. Most of the crimes however have been black on black. They have been illegally using their hands to commit holding upon others, similar to groping.”
“These criminals have continued to operate throughout December and January, when most other gangs slowdown, scary. In fact, the crime statistics show that in Dallas, which I am told is a city in the same state, gang activity is at historic lows in January for the last 20 years. People are saying that they are doing a tremendous job in Dallas, what a fabulous city. We see no reason why the same cannot be done in Houston. These thugs have crossed the line so many times, and now this carnage must stop.”
3:25pm Trump has now translated a series of NFL penalties into actual crimes. The other reporters in the room are taking this conference seriously typing frantically to try and catch up with what they thought to be a joke.
“This Atlanta group has sold huge amounts of product this year, most of it in Atlanta. Typically, this group encroaches upon major cities where they fight rival gangs on their own turf, literally their home turf. They defeat rivals publicly in front of their supporters. They can be identified by their clothes. They wear red, black, and white depending on which city they are in.”
“I am asking Congressman Lewis, to assist me in stopping this carnage from spreading from the awful city of Atlanta to Houston which is just a great city, I have always said that it is a great city.”
“I am creating an NSA task force with the aid of a good friend of mine, Tom Brady. I have placed him in charge of this force, and it is a wonderful task force, consisting of patriotic Americans who will monitor and deflate the situation. I know some of you may be worried about Tom’s experience but let me assure you he is a great friend, a tremendous quarterback, very rich and famous. He is also a passionate extra-judicial surveillance hobbyist and will know how to monitor and dismantle their activity. Questions?”
3:40pm Trump opens the floor for questions
Reporter: “Yes, thank you Mr. Trump. Is there any chance that you may be confusing violent gang activity with the Atlanta Falcons football team?”
Mr. Trump: “Wrong, wrong, next question.”
Sean Spicer: (walks onto stage and whispers in Trump’s ear).
Mr. Trump: (whispering to Spicer) “Wait, what? Football or Football Mexicano? You clean this up.”
Mr. Trump: (to the room) “I must go speak to the FBI about canceling a few raids. Thank you.” (Mr. Trump exits).
Sean Spicer: “This was the best press conference you ever attended, PERIOD!”
(Video, and audio feed cuts mysteriously)