Donald Trump Issues Executive Order Putting Steve Bannon in New Television Series: Extreme Makeover White House Edition

Every episode will follow a new member of the White House on their journey to become camera ready.

“We expect to have a revolving door of cabinet positions due to resignations, development of conscience, and illegal Russian ties. This show will give us a competitive way to vet who will have the opportunity to be a new member of the Trump administration for the time being” said President Trump.

A backdoor pilot episode premiered February 13th on CSPAN featuring Stephen Miller, in his first public appearance defending Trump.

“The powers of the president to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned” said Miller.

“Stephen really knocked it out of the park. The camera loved him, and he got airplay on all the late-night talk shows. It was great advertising for the series,” said Trump.

Donald Trump, as the executive producer of the show, already assigned in Steve Bannon to be the second contestant. Steve Bannon has drawn negative coverage. Trump believes that a man of Bannon’s appearance is a refreshing change.

“With so many people in Hollywood and in the dishonest media that are so beautiful on the outside, isn’t it great to have a man who is how he appears. But all the haters made fun of him. So he will get a makeover. He is a tremendous guy, but lately he has become too tremendous in the mid-section. He is not a ten, I love Steve, with help he could be a real winner.”

In the next episode, (airing Thursdays on CSPAN, 6/7 central), Steve Bannon will be reintroduced to his loved ones, back into the wild to the Trump administration. The episode will feature a full facial and liposuction. Bannon’s hairstyle could not be changed because he felt “uncomfortable” around his stylist.

 

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Andrew Luck Lands Part-Time Job at Marsh as Bag-Boy to Improve Sack Related Skills.

Andrew Luck, after a disappointing season, has already started an intense training regimen.

“To improve my skills I should emphasize my existing skills. The thing I do more than any other quarterback is get sacked, and I do it better. I want to dominate the league in that stat category,” Luck said as he placed cans of soup into a brown paper grocery bag.

“With the help of Ryan Grigson we can really let defenses hammer me more than ever before. But it all starts here, in training” he said.

Luck believes that going for the sack record is about more than just ability and personnel.

“You need the right mindset, so I am doing as many sack related activities as possible,” he said while lifting a potato sack. “This feels good, this feels like my future” he said.

When asked about the potential for injury Luck seemed unconcerned.

“We signed up for this…I think, I don’t particularly remember the night I signed with the Colts, it was the happiest day of my life, I think,….. what were you asking?”

The manager of the Marsh approached to watch as Luck pretended to be working and talking about groceries.

“The key to bagging groceries is very complicated, you have to keep the large heavy items from crushing the softer and more expensive items. I’ll show you,”

Luck grabbed a large ham and carton of eggs, as the customer watched helplessly.

“You can’t put these eggs near the ham, if that big ham gets to these eggs, BOOM!”

Luck, smashed the carton of eggs with the ham. The customers in Marsh grew silent.

“See, look at that! Those eggs are going to have to sit out for a whole season.”

The manager sighed and said,  “Andrew, what have I told you about the eggs?”

“Sorry Matt I was just trying to show proper technique for protecting the eggs” said Luck.

Matt continued, “And, what have I said about the beard? You see how I have this shaved and professional look?” Matt said as he rubbed his shiny bald head and smooth face.

“Sorry, I guess you could say that the beard and I have grown quite attached” replied Luck.

Despite training as a bag bog, Luck made a big life change after learning Ryan Grigson, the General Manager of the Colts, had been fired.

“Wow, really? Matt…Matt…hey! Hasselbeck. I quit.”

Luck balled up his apron, threw it 75 yards, and stormed out of the Marsh Supermarket forever.

 

 

 

 

 

Trump Implores Congressman John Lewis to Stop Atlanta Gang From Terrorizing Patriotic Americans in Houston Turf War

What follows is a livestream report of President Trump’s press conference on Sunday January 29th 2017 a week before the Super Bowl.

3:00pm President Trump will address what he calls “alarming developments” across the nation regarding gang activity from Atlanta. President Trump has noticed a large increase in twitter activity regarding this group.

3:02 pm Reporters have sat down and now await the president’s speech.

3:05 pm The president enters to thunderous applause from the audience plants.

“The FBI has been watching an Atlanta based gang that has been growing bigly. They have had tremendous success in cities around the USA. These thugs tried this last year in late September and early October, they failed. This is the first major growth effort by the group since January of 1999.”

3:10pm Trump refers to the Atlanta Falcons football team in what appears to be an attempt to lighten the mood with some humor. People are laughing, or staring at one another.

“A special operating force has done some tremendous undercover work wearing the gang colors of white and black. They have been keeping a list of the crimes committed by these thugs and it is a huge list, believe me. Here are just a few of their crimes.”

3:15pm President Trump looks down at the list, squints, and turns to Sean Spicer and whispering something about “spell checkers.” It is clear that Trump is unknowingly presenting a domestic security agenda to protect the United States from the Atlanta Falcons.  (President Trump continues speaking to the room)

“They have been roughing passers/by. This hate crime usually targets white men between the ages of 23 and 35. Most of the crimes however have been black on black.  They have been illegally using their hands to commit holding upon others, similar to groping.”

“These criminals have continued to operate throughout December and January, when most other gangs slowdown, scary. In fact, the crime statistics show that in Dallas, which I am told is a city in the same state, gang activity is at historic lows in January for the last 20 years. People are saying that they are doing a tremendous job in Dallas, what a fabulous city. We see no reason why the same cannot be done in Houston. These thugs have crossed the line so many times, and now this carnage must stop.”

3:25pm Trump has now translated a series of NFL penalties into actual crimes. The other reporters in the room are taking this conference seriously typing frantically to try and catch up with what they thought to be a joke.

“This Atlanta group has sold huge amounts of product this year, most of it in Atlanta. Typically, this group encroaches upon major cities where they fight rival gangs on their own turf, literally their home turf. They defeat rivals publicly in front of their supporters. They can be identified by their clothes. They wear red, black, and white depending on which city they are in.”

“I am asking Congressman Lewis, to assist me in stopping this carnage from spreading from the awful city of Atlanta to Houston which is just a great city, I have always said that it is a great city.”

“I am creating an NSA task force with the aid of a good friend of mine, Tom Brady. I have placed him in charge of this force, and it is a wonderful task force, consisting of patriotic Americans who will monitor and deflate the situation. I know some of you may be worried about Tom’s experience but let me assure you he is a great friend, a tremendous quarterback, very rich and famous. He is also a passionate extra-judicial surveillance hobbyist and will know how to monitor and dismantle their activity. Questions?”

3:40pm Trump opens the floor for questions

Reporter: “Yes, thank you Mr. Trump. Is there any chance that you may be confusing violent gang activity with the Atlanta Falcons football team?”

Mr. Trump: “Wrong, wrong, next question.”

Sean Spicer: (walks onto stage and whispers in Trump’s ear).

Mr. Trump: (whispering to Spicer) “Wait, what? Football or Football Mexicano? You clean this up.”

Mr. Trump: (to the room) “I must go speak to the FBI about canceling a few raids. Thank you.” (Mr. Trump exits).

Sean Spicer: “This was the best press conference you ever attended, PERIOD!”

(Video, and audio feed cuts mysteriously)

Watt Brothers Electrify Relatives With Stellar Defensive Performance During Holiday Gathering

John Watt drew the short straw to play quarterback during his final Christmas appearance in the Watt family football game.

“The show must go on,” he said cryptically before lining up behind center in a tradition that has united the family ever since the boys were young.

“It started as harmless fun meant to feed the boys passion for this great game,” he explained from his hospital bed after the game with his sons, NFL players J.J., Derek, and college player T.J., holding his hand.

The Watt family has increased in notoriety on the football field, but many are oblivious to the roots of their success. It all started with a passionate and supportive family. Their father, John, had nurtured their talents early on, by giving them opportunities to demonstrate those talents during family holiday gatherings

Not every member of the Watt family was as gifted as J.J. Derek and T.J. Derek recalls one of their cousins, Timmy, who had always been a sickly youth, and the inspiration he drew from him.

“One year Timmy lined up at quarterback, it was 4th and one. He had always had breathing problems, and I remember telling him at the time ‘Do you really want to do this?’… Actually I was yelling at him more like ’YOU REALLY WANNA DO THIS!!!’ but he still hiked the ball” he said.

“Everyone was rooting for him. He thought he would run a quarterback sneak, he almost got the ball over the line…unfortunately,” Derek began to tear up, “he didn’t make it…”

Derek looked at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears, “you can’t just bring that weak ass shit into my house…” he said emotionally. Derek, paused for a few minutes collecting himself.

“If Timmy had converted that 4th down, it would have been the first first down conversion in the last 15 years of the Watt family football game. Sadly, immediately after the game, Timmy’s bronchitis developed into paralysis below the neck and we pulled the plug a few days later. He will be missed.”

Holidays for the Watts have been unlucky, bittersweet affairs, where football is combined with  family. Luckily for the Watt boys they have been fortunate enough to avoid the bad luck associated with these gatherings.

“There was Aunt Julip in 2005, she blew out her knee. The doctor said that it had something to do with taking a heavy hit at the knee. Actually, it was because she tried to catch a pass across the middle on a bad route,” J.J. explained.

“There was Uncle Steve who at the family reunion” (this story has been removed by recommendation of the Watt family lawyer pending an injury lawsuit).

“And of course there was Grandpa, rest his soul, we thought he started having a stroke on the field, but really the entire left side of his body collapsed after he tried to punt the ball on 4th and 35.” (Watt’s list of family members continue but had to be cut for space).

J.J. walked into the dining room where his family was drinking their pureed turkey dinner through straws, he rolled his nephew, Brenden, away from the table, and took the straw out of his mouth.

“Brenden, a nice man is here to talk to you about your last football game…blink once if you remember your last football game.”

He blinked rapidly.

“He always gets a little emotional when he is reminiscing about that day,” J.J. said.

“Do you remember how much fun it was when you tried to run that obvious play action fake?” asked J.J.

Brenden did not blink, but stared straight ahead for a few minutes until J.J. broke the silence, “isn’t family great?”

The Watts are very grateful to their family but realize it is not just about them

“In the last few years our family has lost the ability to play football. Their bodies have all started to fail, they cannot walk anymore,” J.J. said.

Fortunately, J.J. is not about to let the family tradition die off. “What if we brought our love of football into other families as well? That is why we started the ’J.J., Derek, and TJ, JACK, your family.’ We included our father, John, in the name of the foundation,” he said.

“We want to play a pickup game with one lucky family from across the country every holiday. We want our families to collide in order  to raise awareness for acute bronchitis and its tragic side effects. We will do this by playing backyard pickup games of full contact football against entire families with average to no athletic ability. Everybody wins.”

The Watt Foundation already has a way to signify support for their cause, “We have everyone who plays against us wear hospital bracelets to raise awareness for debilitating injury. It is also a good way to know who has helped our foundation… just like my nephew Brenden here.”

J.J. then lifted Brenden’s limp arm to show the hospital bracelet, then brought his other hand to Brenden’s to give himself a high five.

“We do this for you Brenden.”

When asked about the results of a typical game J.J. responded, “We haven’t had any touchdowns yet, only safeties, and typically the score is 80-0.”